Within these next few weeks a lot will change. I will have completed my freshmen year of college. I will have successfully lived on my own for 10 months. The next time I come back to this place I will live in a house with three other girls. Friends that live far away will not be seen for two and a half months. And my best friend wont be back with me here at the end of summer.
Stuff is sad. Its a time in my life I will never get back. Dorm life, cafeteria food, no kitchen, trying to cook in a microwave and (illegal) toaster oven, and community bathrooms. As those might sound like stupid things to miss, they mean the world to me. They connect me to the person I truly believe was put on this earth for me to be best friends with. I have never had a friend who commonly cares so passionately about how we see our future. I have never laughed so hard with one friend. I have never been so satisfied in a friendship. And I can say I have truly have felt the kinda love you only have for a special friend.
Everyone is different, and college has really opened my eyes to that. I come from a place where a lot is the same, most people want the same things, most people drive the same types of cars, and most traditions are similar. But I have learned that McKinney is a bubble. A bubble that has everything and anything inside of it and you rarely venture out. Their is no need to leave the bubble. However, thats not where everyone is from, and that not how all towns are. I have a great passion for God, and I truly with my whole heart believe in a higher power. Most people in my town feel the same way. We worship the same way, we love the same amount, and we have learned about the bible the same way... and together. But where my best friend is from, everything means a little bit more, and love is a little bit stronger. She is from a SMALL town in the Heart of Texas, and I have never met a family/ town of people who love God more.
My best friend believes that transferring to a much smaller university that is christian based is more suited for her, and that she belongs there. I have NO doubt in my mind she is wrong, but its hard to be happy for someone when you know what is best for you is for that person to be close. She constantly says that her going elsewhere is what is best for her. Well... what is best for me is having my best friend to eat lunch with every day, to talk to about the new pledges that get on our nerves, and to find our husbands with. How, how do you force yourself to be happy for someone who is only looking out for there best interest? and then when I look out for mine, the two idea seem to collide. Why cant life just be fair and equal?
Everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that to be true. But why does it seem that only bad things happen for a reason. Im starting to feel like good things never happen to me. Why cant things go the way I want them just once. Maybe its God's way of punishing me for planning, but I just dont understand people who dont plan. I can NOT for the life of me just let things naturally happen. If their is a way for me to manipulate the situation I will. But this time, its all nipping me in the butt.
She is the kind of best friend you can talk to anything about, but I cant bring myself to talk to her about all this. I dont want her to feel like I wont be happy for her and that I dont want what is best for her. Its just hard. Very, very hard. It kinda like the saying you dont let the people you love walk out, but there is no stopping her.
For now, I trying to be happy. Im trying to see the bright side. Im trying to make the best of the worst. I will miss her and the experiences this year has brought me. But maybe, and hopefully God has better plans in store for me. Things I have imagined experiencing with my best friend probably wont happen the way of the vision. For example, I want her to be around when I lay eyes on the man Im going to marry, I want to experience the other side of being in a sorority with her, I want to be with her when she turns 21 and her with me, I want her to be around next year when my puppy chews everything and Im about to have a nervous breakdown. And its not like we wont "experience" those things together, it will just be different. And from two very different locations on the map.
Weather she believes it or not/ sees it or not/ is intending to or not, our ways of grieving about this whole situation is different. Our mutual friend said to me "when I was leaving for college, all me and my friends were sad TOGETHER" and that is how I felt and want to feel with her now. However, (im sure she would deny this but its true) her way of grieving about all this is pushing me away. She has maybe spent a fourth of the time we would normally spend together, with me. She has seemed to forget, or make other plans during the shows we watch together every week. Not just once, but twice this week. She has occupied her limited time here, playing her favorite game. All while Im alone, and would love to be spending time with her. Its all becoming real. That if this past 10 months has gone by so quick so will these next three weeks.
I love you, and wish that things could just be normal while our "normal" last. We have three weeks to live together, to share the same bathroom, to be surrounded by 56 girls together. Take advantage of it.
Trying to soak up the way of life, doesnt seem so easy anymore,
Lauren S
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