Communication Cut

We live in a day in age where picking up the phone, or opening your lap top to communicate with someone is not uncommon at ALL. I probably send at least 50 text messages a day, make at least 10 phone calls as day, and use my computer to keep up with a friend or family member at least 5 times a day. Most people have communication devices attached to their hip 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. What I am trying to get to... is that my best friend who is currently a four hour drive away from me, is only a few seconds away from responding to my test message, a few minutes away from messaging me back on-line, and a few rings away from answering my phone call, will soon be in a complete other state, with no way to communicate other than letters.

Letters? Is it sad to think that NO ONE sends letters as a way to communicate anymore? Its just so much faster and convenient to use your phone or computer. Not to mention by the time the other person actually receives your letter, its three days later, and the information or news you wrote in the letter has probably changed.

I drove the four hours and surprised her this past weekend. It was seriously the most spontaneous event I have ever experienced in my life. I decided 15 hours before I left on my mini road trip that I was going to go, and I was also only going for 27 hours. It made the time I spent with her mean so much more because, in about 48 hours I will not get to actually speak with her for an entire month. Keep in mind that this is the one person who knows every nook and cranny of me. Who I call for everything. The one person who ALWAYS knows the right advice. The one person who if she was a boy would probably be my boyfriend (inside joke) :) Its seriously weighing very heavy on my heart. Who do I turn to for 31 days? Who will be able to give me the perfect advice?

Despite me being selfish, and only thinking of how I feel, Im so excited for her. She is going to be a camp counselor at a camp that has special ties with her family. Im so excited to hear about all the people she meets, and all the lives she gets to touch. Im excited (that when we get to actually get to talk on the phone) to tell her about my new house, and how the whole rush process for OUR sorority is. Im excited to tell her how big my little baby is getting. Im excited to catch her up on all the episodes of the shows we watch that she missed. And Im also excited to discuss when the next time we get to see each other, hug each other, and just flat out be with each other.

So to you Shelby Dae... if you actually read this before you have no internet-

I love you so very much. Im so excited for you, and to get to hear all about your experience. I know your not half as sad as me, but to make your best friend happy make sure you respond to her letters every night. Meet amazing people. Touch their lives like you have touched mine (but dont let them out rank me on your friend list). Keep you cabin in line, hopefully there will be a little girl in your group who will be just like us, who you can talk to for hours on end about baby dolls, and being a mom.
I miss you already sweet girl. Dont go a day without looking in your mailbox, because I promise their will always be a letter!

Update on my life:

Well its been a awhile since I logged on here, and I kind of dont know where to start.

This weekend is the Fourth of July and I couldnt be more excited. Well I guess after I get over the hump of three LONG work days ahead of me im "fourth free".  Jordan is coming to spend time with me and my family this weekend and I couldnt be more happy. I think I officially found the right guy, that always does the right thing. For example, last week he knew I was having a horrible day at work and then when I got home flowers were delivered. When we were talking about Fourth of July plans, I didnt even have to ask him to drive six hours down here to spend the weekend with me. Its the simple things that mean the most, and so far he has me seated on cloud nine.

This past weekend I got to spend a few hours with my three "other" sisters, that happen to have the last name Young and not Siler.
                Let me just spend a few seconds on enforcing how awesome their family is. I have not even                         known the five of them for a full year yet, but man, they sure have taken me in like one of their own. Every time I am around them its like I have known and been apart of their family forever. I love that and the five of them :)

Even though I only got to see my best friend for a few hours it was fun. They can always get a good laugh out of me!

Being at home for these past few two months, is pretty close to hell on earth. If these last two months havent made me see that I NEVER want to "long term" live at home again I dont know what will. My biggest issue with living back at home has been the simple fact that my parents dont understand that I have been living on my own for 10 months and am still alive, and I actually came out of those 10 months a better person than the 18 years of living in that home has ever made me. Im officially pretty much grown up, when will that get through their heads?

My baby is growing so fast :(. He was 5 pounds when I got him at 10 weeks old and now at 16 weeks old he is 12 pounds. He can sit and lay, and he even rings a bell that hangs from the door when he has to go potty. He is such a smart boy.

Ive had this new really weird interest in reading, but more specifically reading books about Heaven. I am currently reading a book called "Heaven Is For Real" and its seriously the best book ever. Everyone needs to read it.

Last week I drove to Lubbock with two of my best friends, and it was seriously the highlight of my summer. Two days were we had nothing planned, but just the simple fact of being in the windy city put a smile on my face. Man, I miss that place.

My life has been pretty boring.
37 more days till I move back to Lubbock.

Lauren S.

WHY?

Why, why do I care so much? Why do I love you so much? Why is it that im willing to do anything for this friendship, but never a previous one? Why am I willing to drive to say sorry in person? Why is my stomach in knots every day that we dont talk? Why is it that no one else can make me laugh as hard? Why is it that I just cant find a best friend in my town? Why ? Why? Why?

I told you once and ill tell you again. Ill do what I have to to make things right. Your that worth it to me.

Im normaly one of those girls who doesnt care what others think of them. I am my own person and the poeple that love me, love me, and the people who dont, dont. But you make me feel completely different about how I have always felt. I care what you think, I care that your in my life.

What, what do I need to do. Im not a mind reader, no one is. Please tell me what I need to do! If you were here and in person, I could probably figure something out, but your four hours away.

For one of the very few times in my life... I dont know what to do.

To You:

You:

This letter is being written to someone who I know will read this. Someone who will know that this is written for them. And someone who is probably expecting a post, maybe not in this format or this way, but you know who you are.

I love you. I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you piss me off. I love how we have the same "wants" out of life. I love that you are the one person I know truly loves me the way I love you. I love how we can just look at each other and know exacly what the other is saying, with out saying the words. I love how we have common passions like babies, and the desire to get married. I love how we expect more of eachother. I love how we disagree. I love how you will hold my hand. I love the sound of your voice. I love your small town. I love your family. I love the smell of your car. I love the way you curl my hair. I love the way you challenge me. I love how you push my buttons. I love how simple you like things. I love your Cole Haans. I love that you drove four hours to spend time with me. I love how we can pick up right where we left off. I love that we are both annoyed by "call" noises. I love that we both over use spices. I love how we have two different approches to boys. I love the way you tell stories. But most importantly I love who you are, and I love to call YOU my best friend.

Im sorry. Im sorry that sometimes Im too stubborn. Im sorry that I piss you off. Im sorry that sometimes I make you feel bad. Im sorry I yelled. Im sorry that I used hurtful words. Im sorry that sometimes Im in the worst mood ever. Im sorry that I get an idea in my head and dont want to take your opinion. Im sorry that Im so emotional. Im sorry I get mad at stupid things. Im sorry I sweat the small stuff. Im sorry I get my feelings hurt way to easy. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry.

Please dont think Im writting this, and expecting you to just blow it all off. I know I was wrong. I know that I was out of line. The words I wanted to say before you left, but didnt, was that one of my biggest regerts was leaving that last night in chitwood. That last night I could have spent with you. The night that I could have spent with my best friend. And you wanting to leave, made the feelings of regret wash over me. However, I doubt you regret your choice, I know how mad I was at myself for not spending that one last night with the person I care most about. It was kind of like a redo. I was anticipating one last night, just like you were a few week previous.

I was wrong, and I am deeply sorry. I want my best friend back, I have too much to tell but no one who would understand, but you.

Please accept my appoligie, please know that I love you, and please know that I have a lot to tell you, and please know that I WANT TO HEAR AUNT DONNA STORIES.

I love you with all my heart,
Forever your best friend.

SO EXCITED

Tomorrow is my 19th birthday... birthdays are normally a pretty big deal to me! I am one of those people who tries to make everyone else birthday special so they do the same for me... I normally plan a whole day around what I want to do, but this year is just different. My best friend lives 4 hours away and wont be able to get to dallas until sunday, I have a doctors appointment, and I agreed to babysit. So needless to say this wont be my typical birthday.

This year my parents got me a PUPPY for my birthday. He is worlds cutest cocker spaniel puppy, he is now 11 weeks old and a complete mommas boy. I will say he has cured my baby fix for now. Waking up twice in the middle of the night to take him potty is slightly different than waking up in the middle of the night to feed, but more or less its like having a baby and im completely in LOVE. I think Bear and I were made for each other... he lefts me hold him on his back like a baby, he likes to be rocked, he is now my pride and joy.

But like I said above, MY BEST FRIEND COMES ON SUNDAY. One of our other friends organized for a bunch of us to go to the Rangers game next tuesday, and so it gave her two reasons to come in town. My birthday, and the rangers game. So because she wont be able to make it here until sunday, and I have packed my day tomorrow with events that are not at all to celebrate my birthday, we are going to pretend like May 19th is this sunday. But what I am most excited to do is just sit and laugh with her. We are BOTH tight on money right now (me especially because I now have vet bills to pay) so instead of shopping, and eating around town for every meal, we will sit around and enjoy each other company... which is in my mind the PERFECT birthday present.

Starting monday I am housesitting for family friends, they have a HUGE house that happens to be pictured in a book called "The French Inspired Home" because it is SO BEAUTIFUL. They are really chill people, that literally hand their keys, dogs, and house, and pool over to me for 10 days. Needless to say it will be a FUN 10 days (if it is anything like last summer).

The guy I blogged about in my last post lives in Kingwood, which is 6 hours away from Dallas... however he is going to make the trek up here to meet my family and spend sometime with me before his summer school starts up and my job starts in June.

While tomorrow (my actual birthday) might not be the best day ever, this next week sure will be exciting and fun. I mean 19 is just another year, that has nothing special attached to it...

So for now im soaking up the excitement of these next few days,

Lauren S.

when you just have THAT feeling

Two Thursday's (4/21/11) ago I met this guy. He asked me to be his date to the Sigma Nu formal, took me out to dinner, and swept me off my feet. He left his phone in his super hot truck during dinner, he payed, he opened the door, our conversation was never forced, he wanted to know stuff about my family, he is one of those rare guys. Ya know, the kind you only see in the movies, and dream about. Its an indescribable feeling. Its how you see it in fictional relationships, they see each other, and instantly have a connection that only people who experience the feeling understand. It the best feeling but the worst all that the same time. Its the kinda feeling that you cant even describe to your best friend (and its a rear occasion, we can normally understand each other pretty well).

Could the palm reader be right?

She told me the next guy that I like will be worth it, she told me that he will be the guy I fall in love with, she told me he will be successful and set for life. The creepy thing is, he is already successful, and I think this is the guy thats worth it. When I met that stupid palm reader I blew everything that she said off... but now Im starting to think that was the best 5 bucks I have ever spent.

Loving life,
Lauren S.

When things come to an end it sucks.

Within these next few weeks a lot will change. I will have completed my freshmen year of college. I will have successfully lived on my own for 10 months. The next time I come back to this place I will live in a house with three other girls. Friends that live far away will not be seen for two and a half months. And my best friend wont be back with me here at the end of summer.

Stuff is sad. Its a time in my life I will never get back. Dorm life, cafeteria food, no kitchen, trying to cook in a microwave and (illegal) toaster oven, and community bathrooms. As those might sound like stupid things to miss, they mean the world to me. They connect me to the person I truly believe was put on this earth for me to be best friends with. I have never had a friend who commonly cares so passionately about how we see our future. I have never laughed so hard with one friend. I have never been so satisfied in a friendship. And I can say I have truly have felt the kinda love you only have for a special friend.

Everyone is different, and college has really opened my eyes to that. I come from a place where a lot is the same, most people want the same things, most people drive the same types of cars, and most traditions are similar. But I have learned that McKinney is a bubble. A bubble that has everything and anything inside of it and you rarely venture out. Their is no need to leave the bubble. However, thats not where everyone is from, and that not how all towns are. I have a great passion for God, and I truly with my whole heart believe in a higher power. Most people in my town feel the same way. We worship the same way, we love the same amount, and we have learned about the bible the same way... and together. But where my best friend is from, everything means a little bit more, and love is a little bit stronger. She is from a SMALL town in the Heart of Texas, and I have never met a family/ town of people who love God more.

My best friend believes that transferring to a much smaller university that is christian based is more suited for her, and that she belongs there. I have NO doubt in my mind she is wrong, but its hard to be happy for someone when you know what is best for you is for that person to be close. She constantly says that her going elsewhere is what is best for her. Well... what is best for me is having my best friend to eat lunch with every day, to talk to about the new pledges that get on our nerves, and to find our husbands with. How, how do you force yourself to be happy for someone who is only looking out for there best interest? and then when I look out for mine, the two idea seem to collide. Why cant life just be fair and equal?

Everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that to be true. But why does it seem that only bad things happen for a reason. Im starting to feel like good things never happen to me. Why cant things go the way I want them just once. Maybe its God's way of punishing me for planning, but I just dont understand people who dont plan. I can NOT for the life of me just let things naturally happen. If their is a way for me to manipulate the situation I will. But this time, its all nipping me in the butt.

She is the kind of best friend you can talk to anything about, but I cant bring myself to talk to her about all this. I dont want her to feel like I wont be happy for her and that I dont want what is best for her. Its just hard. Very, very hard. It kinda like the saying you dont let the people you love walk out, but there is no stopping her.

For now, I trying to be happy. Im trying to see the bright side. Im trying to make the best of the worst. I will miss her and the experiences this year has brought me. But maybe, and hopefully God has better plans in store for me. Things I have imagined experiencing with my best friend probably wont happen the way of the vision. For example, I want her to be around when I lay eyes on the man Im going to marry, I want to experience the other side of being in a sorority with her, I want to be with her when she turns 21 and her with me, I want her to be around next year when my puppy chews everything and Im about to have a nervous breakdown. And its not like we wont "experience" those things together, it will just be different. And from two very different locations on the map.

Weather she believes it or not/ sees it or not/ is intending to or not, our ways of grieving about this whole situation is different. Our mutual friend said to me "when I was leaving for college, all me and my friends were sad TOGETHER" and that is how I felt and want to feel with her now. However, (im sure she would deny this but its true) her way of grieving about all this is pushing me away. She has maybe spent a fourth of the time we would normally spend together, with me. She has seemed to forget, or make other plans during the shows we watch together every week. Not just once, but twice this week. She has occupied her limited time here, playing her favorite game. All while Im alone, and would love to be spending time with her. Its all becoming real. That if this past 10 months has gone by so quick so will these next three weeks.

I love you, and wish that things could just be normal while our "normal" last. We have three weeks to live together, to share the same bathroom, to be surrounded by 56 girls together. Take advantage of it.

Trying to soak up the way of life, doesnt seem so easy anymore,
Lauren S

As if today was your last... For my Unborn Children

As most of my blog readers know, I am so desperate to be a mom its crazy. Every time I pass the "baby" section of a store I stop. Their is just something about having a child of your own that gives you the best feeling ever, and I personally have never felt that way YET. But I already have a feeling for my unborn children, so when I do get the honor and chance to have my own I KNOW the feeling will be incredible.

Being in college you get asked about your major ALL the time. Mine? My major is HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies) with a focus goal on Pre- Professional Health (Nursing). When most people think of what they want to be when they are little they want to be teachers or firemen. ME... I wanted to be a nurse. I have always wanted to work with babies. Now that Im older I know exactly what I want to do. I want to be a labor and delivery nurse. I want to be the friend that is technically allowed to "hold the baby first" because Im the one right there to catch the baby, weigh the baby, measure the baby, and hand it to the mother. I plan on being the nurse for all my brother and sisters babies, and my best friend. So that when I am old and wanting to just hold a little baby, they cant say no to me holding their little ones. Because I was the one who held them first... its just kind of an unwritten rule that I will have that power.

I have always thought about starting a baby box. A box that is just filled of things for my unborn child. It would just be a little collection of little burp-rags, and cute little outfits.  Something that I would keep until my child was born and then I would bring it out and either laugh at how ridiculous I was, or dress my baby in cute "vintage" looking outfits. But I know if I start, the little collection I am imagining,will become out of control.

Something that one of my friends introduced to me I have been completely obsessed with, is the 1001 things for my unborn child. I keep a notebook of little things I want to teach my children. One of them is "Write your own eulogy, constantly revise it. "
I want nothing more than for my unborn children to be happy with the life they were given, and the things they are in control of I want them to never regret. I wish that when they are called home, someone will have great words to speak of them.

From now on at the end of my post I might have just a little life lesson that I want to share with you all, that I have added to my collection for my children.

Todays lesson for my unborn children: Write your own eulogy, constantly revise it".
I love you with all my heart already,
Mom

Just Soaking up these beautiful rays life is giving me,
Lauren

If you smile, I'll smile

If I could see you smile, I would have the BIGGEST smile on my face.


Their are a lot of things that I didnt like about you. You did things that I really should never forgive you for. You said words that I will never forget, and every time I think of them the rip on my heart gets worse. You made it impossible for me to trust you, and you made the saying "drunken words are sober thoughts" come completely true. Why? After all the pain and suffering you have put me through, why? Why is it us that I dream about? Why is it you that I fall asleep thinking about? Why cant I get you out of my head? Your the one thing polluting my thoughts and you have no idea about any of this. Why is it that you can move on but I cant? Is she better than me? Does she make you happier?
As much as I wish bad things upon your relationship with her, Im happy for you. When I heard you were engaged my heart stopped. It broke in half all over again. But because I love you so much, Im happy for you. Im happy that you could find someone to say I love you too, Im happy that you have your glow back, Im happy that your following though with your original plan, and that she isnt two years younger and a student. Im happy if your happy. I hope she smiles when you do. I hope that she prays every night that in the morning you will love her a little bit more. I hope that you can make her as happy as you made me. I hope that your beautiful traits out weigh the faulty. I hope she knows the truth behind your pain and suffering. I hope that when you talk about past days, you have brought up my name. I hope she knows me as your baggage. I hope she works hard everyday to prove to you her love. But most importantly, I hope your happy.

I wanna walk the line till the end of time

My best friend constantly connects moments in her life to songs. I often find myself sitting on her roommates bed listening to a song that reminds her of this moment or that person. And while listening to the past few songs she has shown me that she connects to her two past relationships, I though about our songs. I dont listen to songs and think if you much anymore but I can remember sitting in my 04 Black Suburban the day I got my licenses and listening to the CD I titled "The FIRST CD for MY CAR" and as Johnny and June by Heidi Newfield played all I did was think of how perfect the words where for how I felt about you. I wanted to walk the line with you, I wanted to love you that much, I wanted to cash it all in, just like Johnny and June. The day you left for college will forever be imprinted into my brain. I remember the way you smelled (Curve no.2), I remember what snacks I packed for you while you were driving, I remember how many times I kissed you before I finally let you drive off, and I remember what I did the second your beat up car drove out of Hillview court.

Like I have previously wrote about, I drive when I get anxiety or when I want to be alone and cry. The day you left I got in the my new car (my current car) and put in "The FIRST CD for MY CAR" CD and it played our song. That day I vividly remember thinking I was so clever and that I must be completely head over heels for you if I was that upset about you leaving. August 16th 2008 I drove down the streets WE drove on and sang Johnny and June at the tops of my lungs with a slight spin on it. I replaced Johnny and June's names with ours.

I constantly try to trick myself into thinking Im not in love with you anymore, but truth is I am. So even though I will never tell you this, or pursue anything with you again I am admitting to still thinking of you every night, still wondering what our kids would look like, and sometimes when I am drawling in class and I write my name in cursive over and over, you last name is attached.

So to you, I love you.

Never the Same

Goodbyes and Hellos, their are never two the same, and they always leave you feeling different. Goodbyes are only easy when you strongly dislike the person, when you have no desire to see the person again. But when you say goodbye and you really dont want to... its sad. It makes you cry really really really hard.

Like I have said in a previous post, I have had one serious boyfriend in my 18 years of life. He was my world, my everything, and my groom at the end of that picture perfect wedding. In honor of me seeing him today, I decided to re hash my first love story. Justin. We met at lunch when I was a freshmen and he was a junior in high school. He drove, he was on varsity baseball, his eyes were blue, he had an amazing relationship with god, and a very very nice butt that filled out his white and blue pinstriped baseball pants very nicely. Needless to say, he was attractive fun loving, and soon to be MY boyfriend.

Our first date:
He called me one night wanting to know what I was up too, I had made plans to go watch my best friend at the time cheer. (Since we were both cheerleaders... for two different high schools it was not uncommon for us to both be cheering at the same time for two different teams, so when we had by-weeks we made it a point to go and watch each other). So yes, I did have plans that night, but they were alone. He offered to take me (since I didn't drive) and watch the game together. That particular night, my dad was out of town on a business trip. My grandfather, my second favorite man in my life, came over and not only met Justin to approve that he could take his granddaughter on a date, but he also made Justin "take him for a spin" around the block to make sure he was a good enough driver. SO embarrassing. But Justin not only did it and stuck around, but he did it with a smile on his face.

Our first kiss:
Was the same night as our first date. We were at the stop light at Lake Forest and 380. He drove a stick shift car so he smoothy grabbed my hand and placed it under his on the little stick shifter thing. Right after we shifted down for the stop light. he looked at me, told me I was beautiful, and so I looked over at him. with his non shifting hand he touched my face and kissed me. Right there at the stop light.
*** After we had been dating for a while I told him that it was such a trashy first kiss. And he said the most perfect response ever, he said he just couldn't wait until we got back to my house. It was no longer a "trashy" first kiss in my eyes.

I was in love.
I had my real true first love.

Because Justin was two years older than me... he left for college when I was junior. He got an offer to play ball in Kansas. I was heart broken and happy all at the same time. The love of my life was leaving, not just to a school in Texas but to a school 10 hours away. This was our first... but not last goodbye. He drove over to my house, and we stood outside on the porch (our way, him on a step below me so I didn't have to stand on the tips of my toes to kiss him) and I cried, SO hard he couldn't wipe my tears away quick enough. As I watched the car drive away all I could think about was how long it would be until I would see him next. Between all of his pre season baseball games and practices I truly didn't know the next time I would be in his arms. But little did I know it would only be six weeks away.

The first or second Hello:

As all the cheerleaders were standing in the gym stretching and getting ready for all the students to pile in for the pep rally I hear the captain, and my good friend Amber say Lauren, their is a surprise for you.  and in walks JUSTIN. It was like how you see it in the movies. I ran and JUMPED into his arms and he held me their kissing me. I hate surprises so it isn't quite how I imaged our first second hello, but since it happened in the form of a surprise it happened exactly how I wanted it.

After a semester of Justin being gone, and me at home... we couldn't do it. It was just way too emotional straining. I seconded guessed our relationship and it tore us apart. We have seen each other several times after the break up. We even tried to get back together at one point. But today when I saw him, it felt like a whole new hello and a goodbye that has been different than any other.

While I was on spring break this past week, a palm reader read my palm. She told me that I will get married in my late twenties to a very successful man. That I will only have two children (which Im NOT OK WITH). She told me their is a friend that is interested in me but we will just be flirty until I meet the man Im going to marry.

So no.... you are not in my plan. Or so says the the palm reader.

My Little Boy

If you are reading this, that obviously means I am close enough with you to have told you about my blog, and even further know my passion for kids with special needs. While I was recently "stumbling" on Stumbleupon.com I came across a website called Reece's Rainbow. It is an organization that assigns "Prayer Warriors" to a child with down syndrome to pray that someone will come along and adopt them. In 25 countries when a down syndrome child gets put up for adoption, when they turn five they are deemed unworthy of being adopted and literally go to a different location to pretty much sit their and live until they die. Thats where Prayer Warriors come in. People like me, who by any means are at no time in their life ready to adopt a down syndrome child, follow the child through out its life until they get adopted. I decided that being a Prayer Warrior is something I really wanted to do, so I am now the Prayer Warrior for A precious little boy.

First Name Braden

Last Name: 19mz-25c

He lives in Russia- Region 25 to be exact.

He just turned 7 last December.

This is the information I know about him for now: A boy with a desire to come into contact with an adult, but selectively. Likes to do individually. Flirts with an adult (smiles, laughs, pulls the clothes), loves to cuddle, affectionate. If the offense – covers his face with his hands, but quickly calmed down. It is very fastidious and capricious to the food.

I will continue to use my blog as a way for people to not only be updated on my life but also on my little baby Braden's precious life. 

I encourage anyone interested in being a Prayer Warrior for a very special down syndrome child to check out Reece's Rainbow, or contact me.

For now Im just soaking it all in,

Lauren S.

A Man in a Uniform

Today, as I was walking back into the dorms from the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of a man in an army uniform. Not only was he the hottest man I quite possibly have ever seen, but his butt sure did fill out those baggy camo pants nicely. After we made eye contact twice, he stepped up his pace, for what I believe was for me to see his last name stitched into the back of his hat. BUCHANN. 

Their are tons of girls who say their hearts speed up when they see a man in a uniform, but I promise mine tripled as I walked next to him. It was like he was famous or something. After a few minutes of thought I decided that I can 100% put myself into being an army wife. I truly think if I loved the man enough I could move my family from base to base, and if he got deployed I would be the wife that would be heart broken but proud. I would be the army wife on the base who raised the most money, who stuffed the most care packages, and who sent  a letter to my husband daily. Even though it would be tough I would do it. I would tie the yellow ribbon around every tree I could get my hands on. I would pray prayers I could have never dreamed about praying, because MY husband is the one fighting for OUR country. 

So yes, Officer BUCHANN I did notice you. I did think you are attractive, and I am beyond proud of the work you will be doing for our country.

Im just soaking up the way of life,

Lauren S.

Happy or Unhappy...?

I am commonly accused of being unhappy and always having a problem with something, by my best friend. Which I can partly see why she believes that, however am I suppose to do things I dont want to do?

Often times I find myself agreeing to going out, or being with our friends and then at the last second I decide its probably not the smartest idea for me. Then I become in a bind, do I go and spend my time and money on the exact opposite of things I need to be? Or do I do what I know is right for myself and stay in to avoid spending money?

I hate that I have an opinion on most situations, it typically gets me in trouble with a friend or two, or even my parents. However, I am just someone that is not going to do something I dont want to do because its what everyone else is  doing. For example, tonight my best friend and I got invited to go eat dinner with two of our friends. Later in the evening, I found out the place we would be going to eat, (being a college kid means your automatically tight on spending) and it was a place I have been several times and CAN NOT find anything I enjoy on the menu. So all in all, I decided that going and spending money on something that I did not deem worthy put me in a situation of having an opinion and getting people up set with me. After I said that I did not want to go anymore, because of the location, they then offered for me to pick the restaurant.  I hate that! I hate that I was the person who couldnt just go with the flow and I changed the plans, but Im not about to just spit out money that I dont have. Despite their offer of me picking the restaurant, I still number one, found it not necessary  to spend money on going out to eat, and number two, because I hate that I caused a problem, I want them to go where they wanted to go.

I hate that others look at me as unhappy because I always have an opinion and dont just go with the flow, but I believe that everyone should do what is going to better their lives and friends, will follow. Friends can come and go, but the decisions you make for yourself will last forever. I am truly sorry to any and everyone that I have ever made feel bad because of my choices. Just know that Im making decisions that you might think of my unhappy for, but I am making that choice to make me happy.


ON A DIFFERENT NOTE- (reference the last post first)

This weekend was amazing, I got to spend time with him. I met his friends, he met mine. I took him on the biggest thrill of his life.... sneaking out of the hotel past what time he was allowed to leave  and brought him to the dorms.  Took him to a bar, took him to see my favorite band play (Eli Young Band), taught him how to two- step. It was perfect! It all went as planned. But for now, he still remains my secret lover.

Just soaking up the way of life,
Lauren S

Today is THE Day

Every girl has that one person that you want to fall in love with so badly, the guy that is your knight in shining armor, but you could never. You could never publicly fall in love with this guy. Well... the person I have truly known from birth is my guy. The guy I would do anything to marry. The guy that knows everything about my inside and out, and the guy I know every nook and cranny of. The guy that in my eyes would be the perfect husband and father. The guy that could provide everything for me, and even if he couldn't I would still be madly in love. The one guy that I can sit down and talk to him and not have to worry about impressing him or saying the right words.  

How could I ever bring my self to terms with talking to him about my secret feeling? Would it ruin our friendship? Would he suddenly judge me about everything I have previously told him about myself, now that he knows I love him? Would things he once comforted me on suddenly not be acceptable and ok? This is the ONE thing that no one knows about me. Not one single soul seriously knows how much I love this guy. We say I love you to each other every night after we talk... but I really mean it. 

So what now? What am I suppose to do? Do I talk to him about it? Or do I just go on knowing that their is someone else out there for me, but I just might not love them as much? 

He is visiting me this weekend and his flight gets in today. I can not express in words or even actions about how excited I am about seeing him. I want him to meet all my friends, I want him to see where I live, I want him to be happy to see me. Today is the day, maybe not the day to bring up to him how much I really do love him, but to see him and be in his arms for the first time in a LONG time. 

For now he is my "secret" guy. My mystery lover. And the man I will forever see at the end of the isle. 

But for today, and probably every other day of my life he will be that man I wish I could love.

Im just soaking up the way of Life

Lauren S

Simply NOTHING

Nothing is defined as the absence of anything at all, and thats exactly what I have been doing this weekend. Nothing. My best friend returned home, my roommate returned home, the people on my floor... all gone. Sometimes I wish to be completely alone for the peace, and simple act of having to do nothing. However being alone, sucks. Its scary and lonely, and it has shown me (as if I didn't feel this way already) that I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.


Marriage is something that most people want out of life, but I can promise you I want it more. I want someone to protect me at night, I want someone to say I love you too, I want someone to love me, I want someone who shares passions with me, I want someone to pay the bills, I want someone to say "have a good day honey" to as I send him off to work, I want to cook for someone, I want to clean for someone, I want someone to have kids with, I want someone to raise my kids with, I want someone to have a 50 year anniversary with, I want someone to grow old with. I want to get married.


Being lonely is not an option for me. I will not settle for a good apartment, great paying job, and a cute dog. I know I am only 18, but when am I going to meet the man Im going to be with forever? Most people say Im too young, but I think Im running out of time. I dont see myself as the one who gets married late in life. I want to be young and fun and in love. Am I suppose to keep going to parties? How do I meet him? Where will he show up in my life? When will he come in the picture? If I just could know the answers to these questions, I think I could really fall asleep at night. I could shut my eyes and know 100 precent that one day Ill open them and really fall in love. But I am not guaranteed anything, I not told that their is FOR SURE someone out their for me.


Tonight as I sit alone in my room, I know that this is not suppose to be how it is forever. I feel it in my veins. Being alone, is not for me.


But for now, life is good and I am just soaking it up


Lauren S

Surprise!!!

In my last entry I explained how stressed I was about my two test I had the next day. Well... not only did I write that, but I also called my mom crying about it. Being the oldest of four and being the first to leave home has been tough on my mom. She is suddenly not their to pick up the slack, or help with homework and that KILLS her. So.... about 11:30 Monday night I received a phone call from my mom and SURPRISE SURPRISE, MY MOM WAS IN LUBBOCK. She read me my book in the nice big hotel bed until we both couldn't keep our eyes open any longer, she blow dried my hair the next morning as I finished the reading. It was just perfect, I loved that my mom came to help me, and everything worked out great with my test!


However, on wednesday afternoon when she left my friend and I decided we were going to go to United (the grocery store) and get popsicles. Needless to say, it was 86 degrees in February and we were not going to pass up the opportunity to eat popsicles while we soaked up some vitamin D. About five minutes after leaving the grocery store I realized I didn't have my cell phone. So we immediately drove back, I thought I left it under the little machine where you swipe your credit card... but it was gone and the customer service counter had not had anyone turn it in. After going all day thinking that the customer behind me must have stolen it, and making the nice manager (Kyle Elliot) watch every second of the surveillance camera footage while I was in the store. I simply remember that I had left it in my moms car, who at this point was now back in Dallas.


So yes, I have been with out a cell phone for about 48 hours now, and as miserable as it has been I really didn't mind. I have had several people say "why dont you go get a go phone until you get yours mailed" and my response has been "their is just no need". Despite the fact that not having a phone ruined my routine, (for example: I was unable to do facebook creeping during anatomy class or get test messages from my friends about funny things that were happening to them in class) It was peaceful. I knew what I had to get done and I got it done a lot quicker than I would have with my phone. All in all, I am READY to have my phone back tomorrow, but it was a nice little reality check. People did live with out cell phones for yearssss, ya it sucked but it brought me back down to earth. I have been on cloud nine these past few days, and I give partial credit to not having my cell phone glued to my side.


A few years ago, I was in a serious relationship for a longgg time. I can truly say I fell in Love for the first time. He was my everything. I never missed one of his baseball games, I never passed up the opportunity to sign BOTH of our names at the bottom of a card for whatever the occasion was, and I truly saw his face at the end of the isle when I pictured my wedding. However, this spiraled down hill, and we are obviously not together anymore (or the previous entrees would have been about how in love I was). Needless to say, today while driving home from my weekly Zumba class (the BEST WORKOUT EVER) I reached my hand into my CD collection and when my hand came out, in it was the last CD he had made while we were together. Listening to the CD didn't make me sad or miss him. It made me realize how I truly believe Im ready to put my self back in the game. So bring it on fellas, this weekend Im GOING CRAZYYY.


Life is lookin' good, and Im just soaking it up!


Lauren S

Sometimes you just cant get things right

You know how sometimes no matter how hard you try you just cant make things right? Well that is exactly how I have been feeling. Despite all good things that happen, nothing makes things better. 

I have recently studied for my anatomy lab test and only got 45 min of sleep, I walked in confident and walked out crying. I have recently lost 14 pounds but when I put on jeans I cry; shouldn't I be happy that I lost weight? I am currently studying for my anatomy lecture test and reading the novel "Truth and Bright Water" for two test tomorrow, but no matter how much information on the two subjects I can cram into my brain, I know I wont have a good feeling walking out. What do I do? How can I help myself? 

I drive, I drive when I get sad. for some reason their is something about wondering out to places I have never seen and wasting gas that makes me feel better. You would think that wasting money and looking at fields (because I am out here in Lubbock) would be weird; but their is something about the cotton. I dont know if its the smell in the air out there or if it the fact of the matter that I live with 56 girls and sometimes being alone seems perfect, but it just is. I wish I could take people out to my places, but then what fun would it be for me anymore. It would no longer be my place to run and hide, that no one would find me. It would then become that place that WE went to. Is that selfish of me? 

Happiness seems to be something most people take for granted. I personally never soak up the fact that I am happy when I am, and to be honest I dont even think I realize when I am happy. It takes me to be sitting in the dirt to realize I was happy when I did this, or when I was friends with this person. Happiness is something that I need to start realizing when I am, so that when I start to become unhappy, I know what to do to fix it. Happiness and sadness run parallel to each other.  When one takes a rest, the other one tends to take up the slack. 

In my previous entry I said that I couldn't wait to get out of where I grew up. I wanted to run the road that Lubbock put out for me. And that is still very true, however leaving home has made me realize how much I really do LOVE that place. Now that I am gone, I want to drive those same streets, and eat at the same old places.

When you go college you tend to tell everyone you meet about the people back home, and sometimes people talk about their best friend when they lived in this city and then the one that moved away. But for me... I have known the same group of friends since I was three. 

Dylan: Dylan is that one girl I know will forever take my side. The one that completely pick me up when I am all the way down. She is the girl that when I talk about home I miss the most. And the one person who can say something to me and I completely trust it. 

Erikka: Erikka is the person I have called my best friend for the past few years. We were engaged in the same activities, we both had serious boyfriends together, and knew just the right time to take the other person out for froyo and shopping. 

Kasey: Kasey has the hugest heart, you never have to wonder is she is thinking of others before herself (because she always is) and always strives for her best. Most people in my town have grown up jealous of her, however she is so humble about it all. 

Catherine: Cathy can always give me a good laugh. We have similar personalities in the sense that we dont let others tell us wrong. That most of the time we do know best, and our friend should just listen to us more often. :)

Megan Y: Even though I am not as close to Megan as I used to be, I know if I need her to keep a secret she would. We have so many memories from when we were little, she will forever be a good friend. 

Val: Valerie was my first BEST FRIEND. We fell in love with each other when I showed her my barbie cup and she showed me her chalk. Valerie is another person who would do anything for me in a heart beat. 

It took me to leave and be 6 hours away from home to realize all of this about these people. The place that I hated while I was their, is where I have all my memories. Its the place that connects me with my past, and that will forever make me feel young. 

So for those of you reading this (if their is anyone) Never take HOME for granted. Home is the place that you will think about everyday. Its the only place that will make you 100% happy, that you can go and not think about the way you look, or how you feel. Home is just Perfect. 

Lubbock has opened so many doors, it has made me grow up and learn to fend for myself. It has thrown me into a pit of people I have had to learn to be friends with. It has made me learn that I am the only person who can make me happy.

So for now thats what Im focusing on. How can I make myself happy?

Life is good, and Im just soaking it up

Lauren S. 

Everything has a Starting Point

I am currently a city girl trying to live in a smaller town. My current location is Lubbock and so far so GREAT. I actually have been dreaming about going to school at Texas Tech ever since I could say "get your guns up" and this opportunity is giving me experiences I will NEVER forget. I was the girl through out high school who couldn't wait to graduate and get out, probably because I had lived in the same exact place for 15 years of my life. The same streets, the same eating places, the same friends, and the same old things to do... got boring. So needless to say, Tech gave me a road to run on, to pack up and get out, and thats exactly what I did. This August I filled my car with most of my belongings and moved into what is now is possibly one of the crappiest/ best places EVER the 3 chit. My roommate is a sweet girl that I know from home. The funny part about that is she actually lives directly across from me back where we are from. But let me backtrack a tad... in June I flew up to Lubbock with my mom for orientation. Where I met two girls who will hands down be bridesmaids in my wedding. Because we are on somewhat of the same career path we have classes together, and they make class so much more enjoyable to be in. The second day I "lived" in Lubbock (sorority) rush started, where I also met some people that will be lifelong friends. The girl that stood in front of me everyday as we lined up outside, at the house we are now sisters in, was my first real friend up here. Living in the dorms put me in a situation where I am living with 56 girls that has made this place extremely enjoyable. We all love each other, would do anything for each other, and will prank each other often. I can not even begin to explain how much fun this last semester and a half has been living with all these girls, this will be a story for later! After rush and during "New member meetings" I met this super annoying girl I now consider my best friend. Once we started to get to know each other, we realized we have a ton of the same values and wants out of life. We both are "really" in college to find a man to marry, and have babies.... LOTS OF BABIES, a degree will be a nice thing to have however, we see ourselves as moms so much more than in a cubicle. We are the kind of girls that have everything planned out, the wedding dress, location, rings, cake, honeymoon, and where we will live following the wedding, our kids names and what sports they will play, we have it all planned out.... and the only thing we are missing is the man that puts that ring on the finger.

First semester was rough, in the sense that I took CHEMISTRY. I waltzed into classes and thought it would be a cake walk, and that nipped me in the butt bad. However, like I always say... you make the best of it, and pull your life up by the boot straps even if the boot doesn't fit. Needless to say, second semester will be life changing for me. Not only to make my parents happy but to show myself that even though I want to change diapers, drop off kids in the carpool line, and braid pigtails for the rest of my life, I do have a pretty solid brain between these shoulders and I can do whatever I put my mind too. 

Life is looking good, and I am just soaking it up-

Lauren