As if today was your last... For my Unborn Children

As most of my blog readers know, I am so desperate to be a mom its crazy. Every time I pass the "baby" section of a store I stop. Their is just something about having a child of your own that gives you the best feeling ever, and I personally have never felt that way YET. But I already have a feeling for my unborn children, so when I do get the honor and chance to have my own I KNOW the feeling will be incredible.

Being in college you get asked about your major ALL the time. Mine? My major is HDFS (Human Development and Family Studies) with a focus goal on Pre- Professional Health (Nursing). When most people think of what they want to be when they are little they want to be teachers or firemen. ME... I wanted to be a nurse. I have always wanted to work with babies. Now that Im older I know exactly what I want to do. I want to be a labor and delivery nurse. I want to be the friend that is technically allowed to "hold the baby first" because Im the one right there to catch the baby, weigh the baby, measure the baby, and hand it to the mother. I plan on being the nurse for all my brother and sisters babies, and my best friend. So that when I am old and wanting to just hold a little baby, they cant say no to me holding their little ones. Because I was the one who held them first... its just kind of an unwritten rule that I will have that power.

I have always thought about starting a baby box. A box that is just filled of things for my unborn child. It would just be a little collection of little burp-rags, and cute little outfits.  Something that I would keep until my child was born and then I would bring it out and either laugh at how ridiculous I was, or dress my baby in cute "vintage" looking outfits. But I know if I start, the little collection I am imagining,will become out of control.

Something that one of my friends introduced to me I have been completely obsessed with, is the 1001 things for my unborn child. I keep a notebook of little things I want to teach my children. One of them is "Write your own eulogy, constantly revise it. "
I want nothing more than for my unborn children to be happy with the life they were given, and the things they are in control of I want them to never regret. I wish that when they are called home, someone will have great words to speak of them.

From now on at the end of my post I might have just a little life lesson that I want to share with you all, that I have added to my collection for my children.

Todays lesson for my unborn children: Write your own eulogy, constantly revise it".
I love you with all my heart already,
Mom

Just Soaking up these beautiful rays life is giving me,
Lauren

If you smile, I'll smile

If I could see you smile, I would have the BIGGEST smile on my face.


Their are a lot of things that I didnt like about you. You did things that I really should never forgive you for. You said words that I will never forget, and every time I think of them the rip on my heart gets worse. You made it impossible for me to trust you, and you made the saying "drunken words are sober thoughts" come completely true. Why? After all the pain and suffering you have put me through, why? Why is it us that I dream about? Why is it you that I fall asleep thinking about? Why cant I get you out of my head? Your the one thing polluting my thoughts and you have no idea about any of this. Why is it that you can move on but I cant? Is she better than me? Does she make you happier?
As much as I wish bad things upon your relationship with her, Im happy for you. When I heard you were engaged my heart stopped. It broke in half all over again. But because I love you so much, Im happy for you. Im happy that you could find someone to say I love you too, Im happy that you have your glow back, Im happy that your following though with your original plan, and that she isnt two years younger and a student. Im happy if your happy. I hope she smiles when you do. I hope that she prays every night that in the morning you will love her a little bit more. I hope that you can make her as happy as you made me. I hope that your beautiful traits out weigh the faulty. I hope she knows the truth behind your pain and suffering. I hope that when you talk about past days, you have brought up my name. I hope she knows me as your baggage. I hope she works hard everyday to prove to you her love. But most importantly, I hope your happy.

I wanna walk the line till the end of time

My best friend constantly connects moments in her life to songs. I often find myself sitting on her roommates bed listening to a song that reminds her of this moment or that person. And while listening to the past few songs she has shown me that she connects to her two past relationships, I though about our songs. I dont listen to songs and think if you much anymore but I can remember sitting in my 04 Black Suburban the day I got my licenses and listening to the CD I titled "The FIRST CD for MY CAR" and as Johnny and June by Heidi Newfield played all I did was think of how perfect the words where for how I felt about you. I wanted to walk the line with you, I wanted to love you that much, I wanted to cash it all in, just like Johnny and June. The day you left for college will forever be imprinted into my brain. I remember the way you smelled (Curve no.2), I remember what snacks I packed for you while you were driving, I remember how many times I kissed you before I finally let you drive off, and I remember what I did the second your beat up car drove out of Hillview court.

Like I have previously wrote about, I drive when I get anxiety or when I want to be alone and cry. The day you left I got in the my new car (my current car) and put in "The FIRST CD for MY CAR" CD and it played our song. That day I vividly remember thinking I was so clever and that I must be completely head over heels for you if I was that upset about you leaving. August 16th 2008 I drove down the streets WE drove on and sang Johnny and June at the tops of my lungs with a slight spin on it. I replaced Johnny and June's names with ours.

I constantly try to trick myself into thinking Im not in love with you anymore, but truth is I am. So even though I will never tell you this, or pursue anything with you again I am admitting to still thinking of you every night, still wondering what our kids would look like, and sometimes when I am drawling in class and I write my name in cursive over and over, you last name is attached.

So to you, I love you.

Never the Same

Goodbyes and Hellos, their are never two the same, and they always leave you feeling different. Goodbyes are only easy when you strongly dislike the person, when you have no desire to see the person again. But when you say goodbye and you really dont want to... its sad. It makes you cry really really really hard.

Like I have said in a previous post, I have had one serious boyfriend in my 18 years of life. He was my world, my everything, and my groom at the end of that picture perfect wedding. In honor of me seeing him today, I decided to re hash my first love story. Justin. We met at lunch when I was a freshmen and he was a junior in high school. He drove, he was on varsity baseball, his eyes were blue, he had an amazing relationship with god, and a very very nice butt that filled out his white and blue pinstriped baseball pants very nicely. Needless to say, he was attractive fun loving, and soon to be MY boyfriend.

Our first date:
He called me one night wanting to know what I was up too, I had made plans to go watch my best friend at the time cheer. (Since we were both cheerleaders... for two different high schools it was not uncommon for us to both be cheering at the same time for two different teams, so when we had by-weeks we made it a point to go and watch each other). So yes, I did have plans that night, but they were alone. He offered to take me (since I didn't drive) and watch the game together. That particular night, my dad was out of town on a business trip. My grandfather, my second favorite man in my life, came over and not only met Justin to approve that he could take his granddaughter on a date, but he also made Justin "take him for a spin" around the block to make sure he was a good enough driver. SO embarrassing. But Justin not only did it and stuck around, but he did it with a smile on his face.

Our first kiss:
Was the same night as our first date. We were at the stop light at Lake Forest and 380. He drove a stick shift car so he smoothy grabbed my hand and placed it under his on the little stick shifter thing. Right after we shifted down for the stop light. he looked at me, told me I was beautiful, and so I looked over at him. with his non shifting hand he touched my face and kissed me. Right there at the stop light.
*** After we had been dating for a while I told him that it was such a trashy first kiss. And he said the most perfect response ever, he said he just couldn't wait until we got back to my house. It was no longer a "trashy" first kiss in my eyes.

I was in love.
I had my real true first love.

Because Justin was two years older than me... he left for college when I was junior. He got an offer to play ball in Kansas. I was heart broken and happy all at the same time. The love of my life was leaving, not just to a school in Texas but to a school 10 hours away. This was our first... but not last goodbye. He drove over to my house, and we stood outside on the porch (our way, him on a step below me so I didn't have to stand on the tips of my toes to kiss him) and I cried, SO hard he couldn't wipe my tears away quick enough. As I watched the car drive away all I could think about was how long it would be until I would see him next. Between all of his pre season baseball games and practices I truly didn't know the next time I would be in his arms. But little did I know it would only be six weeks away.

The first or second Hello:

As all the cheerleaders were standing in the gym stretching and getting ready for all the students to pile in for the pep rally I hear the captain, and my good friend Amber say Lauren, their is a surprise for you.  and in walks JUSTIN. It was like how you see it in the movies. I ran and JUMPED into his arms and he held me their kissing me. I hate surprises so it isn't quite how I imaged our first second hello, but since it happened in the form of a surprise it happened exactly how I wanted it.

After a semester of Justin being gone, and me at home... we couldn't do it. It was just way too emotional straining. I seconded guessed our relationship and it tore us apart. We have seen each other several times after the break up. We even tried to get back together at one point. But today when I saw him, it felt like a whole new hello and a goodbye that has been different than any other.

While I was on spring break this past week, a palm reader read my palm. She told me that I will get married in my late twenties to a very successful man. That I will only have two children (which Im NOT OK WITH). She told me their is a friend that is interested in me but we will just be flirty until I meet the man Im going to marry.

So no.... you are not in my plan. Or so says the the palm reader.

My Little Boy

If you are reading this, that obviously means I am close enough with you to have told you about my blog, and even further know my passion for kids with special needs. While I was recently "stumbling" on Stumbleupon.com I came across a website called Reece's Rainbow. It is an organization that assigns "Prayer Warriors" to a child with down syndrome to pray that someone will come along and adopt them. In 25 countries when a down syndrome child gets put up for adoption, when they turn five they are deemed unworthy of being adopted and literally go to a different location to pretty much sit their and live until they die. Thats where Prayer Warriors come in. People like me, who by any means are at no time in their life ready to adopt a down syndrome child, follow the child through out its life until they get adopted. I decided that being a Prayer Warrior is something I really wanted to do, so I am now the Prayer Warrior for A precious little boy.

First Name Braden

Last Name: 19mz-25c

He lives in Russia- Region 25 to be exact.

He just turned 7 last December.

This is the information I know about him for now: A boy with a desire to come into contact with an adult, but selectively. Likes to do individually. Flirts with an adult (smiles, laughs, pulls the clothes), loves to cuddle, affectionate. If the offense – covers his face with his hands, but quickly calmed down. It is very fastidious and capricious to the food.

I will continue to use my blog as a way for people to not only be updated on my life but also on my little baby Braden's precious life. 

I encourage anyone interested in being a Prayer Warrior for a very special down syndrome child to check out Reece's Rainbow, or contact me.

For now Im just soaking it all in,

Lauren S.

A Man in a Uniform

Today, as I was walking back into the dorms from the parking lot, I caught a glimpse of a man in an army uniform. Not only was he the hottest man I quite possibly have ever seen, but his butt sure did fill out those baggy camo pants nicely. After we made eye contact twice, he stepped up his pace, for what I believe was for me to see his last name stitched into the back of his hat. BUCHANN. 

Their are tons of girls who say their hearts speed up when they see a man in a uniform, but I promise mine tripled as I walked next to him. It was like he was famous or something. After a few minutes of thought I decided that I can 100% put myself into being an army wife. I truly think if I loved the man enough I could move my family from base to base, and if he got deployed I would be the wife that would be heart broken but proud. I would be the army wife on the base who raised the most money, who stuffed the most care packages, and who sent  a letter to my husband daily. Even though it would be tough I would do it. I would tie the yellow ribbon around every tree I could get my hands on. I would pray prayers I could have never dreamed about praying, because MY husband is the one fighting for OUR country. 

So yes, Officer BUCHANN I did notice you. I did think you are attractive, and I am beyond proud of the work you will be doing for our country.

Im just soaking up the way of life,

Lauren S.